I Wish I Could Hate You, Bella Swan
by Wraithlike
Summary: He knew it was foolish. She loved a vampire. He was just ... Jake. That's all he ever would be to the girl he loved. Jacob Black's fractured thoughts on the 10 things he hates about loving Bella. Inspired by the monologue in '10 Things I Hate About You.'


**Notes below. Onwards!**

~10 Things I Hate About You~

_**I hate the way you talk to me.** _

Your face breaks into a smile at the very sight of me. I still don't know why it has to be so hard.

'Hi, Jake!' You sound so excited. And so happy. Young. You can be yourself around me.

We could be happy, Bells. You and me. We work together. You know it. It scares you sometimes; when you feel yourself slipping. It's not healthy, whatever's between you and him. You know it isn't.

I smile back at you.

'Hi, Bella.'

_**And the way you cut your hair.** _

It was short when you were a kid. I hate how beautiful it is long. I hate how beautiful you suddenly are. I know you were always beautiful, and I loved watching your beauty grow into life with me. After he left you, you were too much like one of them. Pale. Dark circles under your eyes. More dead than alive. I love the way your hair reflects everything you are to me. Alive. Shining. Natural.

**_I hate the way you drive my car._**

The look of pure concentration on your face is enough to turn my stomach. You considered it a huge honour to be let behind the wheel of the Rabbit. Not because you give a damn about the car, but because I held it in such honour. You laughed when the engine purred. It was the first time I heard you laugh in so long. Before he came back and ruined everything again. You were well, didn't you see that?

You didn't want to. I know that now. You didn't want to believe in a life after him. What would have been a better life, Bella. You know that.

**_I hate it when you stare._**

Your eyes suck me right in, you know that? There have to be laws in place against eyes like those. A cop would pull me in for drunk-driving after staring at those shockers of yours. You had me wrapped around your little finger with one blast from them. They were all I needed to be happy; to feel _right_. One little glance, and I was under. But that's love, Bella. You know it. You just don't want to admit it. Even to yourself. Especially not to yourself.

But that's love.

_**I hate your big dumb combat boots.** _

They look so out of place on you. Hiking across those forests, though, I was glad you had them. You really _are _a walking disaster zone, sweetheart. But I didn't mind. I didn't care where we were going, didn't you see? I didn't care you walked slower than me, all I wanted was for us to be together. And we were. You had fun, right, Bells? I wasn't a bad companion, was I? We had laughs together. I know we did. Like always. I still laugh at things you said back then.

**_And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick._**

Not like him. Never like him, could you read my mind. A vile, unnatural way. But we weren't like that. We were exactly in sync. Always. You don't fit in with anyone else they way you do with me. We were best friends from the moment we met. I'll always be your best man, Bells. But I want to be more than that. Because I can be. I could be what he is to you, only better. Better for you; better for me.

I was made for you. You can tell what I'm thinking just because you know me so well. You know everything about me. You know I'd never lie to you. I'd never hurt you. I'd never, ever try to hide something from you. I'd always be true, and always love you for being you. He wouldn't, and he hasn't. He's let you down; and you know it. You don't want to think of it, to bring it up because you're afraid of upsetting him. Afraid he'll turn and sulk. Afraid he'll turn vampire. Afraid of him. You know you are. You revere him too much not to fear him. I never wanted your adoration, Bella. I just wanted you.

_**I hate the way you're always right.** _

Even when you're wrong. You make too much sense. I hate that you stick by what you say until the bitterest of ends. I don't want there to be an end to us, Bella. Don't make this story end too soon. Think your options through. You know I'll always be here for you, no matter what you chose. For as long as I can bear it without breaking. I'll stay for you.

_**I hate it when you lie.** _

Because you can't lie. You are such a terrible liar. You should never have had to lie to me. I'm your conscience, your soul, like you're mine. You lie because he tells you what to say. You lie to protect him; to try and protect me. Don't. The only protection I need is you. I need you to be Bella, who you were born to be. Not a fake, manufactured version of yourself, warped and twisted by an unnatural partner. I only need a you that's free.

**_I hate it when you make me laugh …_**

It just makes me feel worse, because I know I'm going to have to leave soon, because you won't be Bella for very long. I hate it because it's just another nail in my coffin, like every other happy moment we share. This is what life should have been.

Why can't you see that?

**… **_**even worse when you make me cry.** _

You do it all the time. Every time I have to leave, every time you hide something, every time you lie to me, to your Jacob, every time you stab me in the back, not on purpose, but merely out of habit, because he's shown up, or he's not happy, I cry. It's pathetic. You shouldn't mean so much to me. But you do. And you know it, too. Or at least, you should.

Everyone else does.

_**I hate it that you're not around.** _

Every time you disappear I think, that's it. It's all over, because you've left me for the last time. When you run away with him to stop him acting stupid, or whatever idiotic errand you're on for him and his un-dead family, I think you're gone for good.

_**And the fact that you didn't call.** _

For so long, I waited for you to call.

You called out of duty. Not compassion. He was your life. He was everything. I know that's how it's got to be, but I don't want to listen. I don't want to know. I don't want to return your calls. I don't want to face the fact that I'm nothing to you when I'm not saving your ass or making jokes like some cute little terrier. You hate that I'm a real, flesh and blood guy. That I'm not young and uncomplicated any longer. You _hate_ that.

_**But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you …** _

And I never have. Even when I told you I wished you were dead. I still didn't hate you. I never will, no matter what you chose, I will never hate you. Ever. I promise.

**… _not even close …_**

Because my promises mean something. I'll never duck out on a promise to you, Bells. Even if it breaks my heart.

**… **_**not even a little bit …** _

Even if it kills me. Even if I lose all will to live, I'll still be there.

_**… not even****at all.**_

That's what you do … when you love someone.

**A/N: Odd, again ... sort of the same vein as my Leah FF. I don't know why I wrote this, I don't even like the Jacob/Bella thing. But anway. Review, folks. Because I love you all. All of you. Yes, it's true. ;) Inspired by a video on YouTube 'bout Bells and Eddie. Very good.**


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